I was also deeply envious of all the white trans boys I saw on tumblr who got to transition earlier than me and ended up looking something like the white masculine ideal— thanks to my internalized racism brought on by living in a racist society but also because my white father made me feel that non-whiteness was inferior. This is very depressing and makes me feel unattractive and bitter about my past stupidity. I loved the convenience of not shaving or getting my eyebrows done. In hindsight, I probably should have addressed my sexual trauma before permanently changing my body! I hope that any dysphoric woman or girl who has been through sexual trauma pauses and seriously considers the possibility that their gender dysphoria might actually be complex PTSD before jumping into an irreversible medical transition. Experiencing male privilege opened my eyes to the fact that sexism is alive and well in the twenty first century. Shaving any part of my body is intensely uncomfortable because the hair grows back so quickly and causes me to itch like mad no matter what razor and shaving cream I use. I was constantly bombarded by messages that romanticized and idealized gay relationships between white men.
Throughout my transition, most of my friends on and off line identified as trans. I loved the convenience of not shaving or getting my eyebrows done. I was flattered when gay men hit on me in contrast to when I had been hit on by straight men pre-transition and had always felt more terrified than flattered when one of them expressed an interest in me. I used my time in the new school to reinvent myself as a flamboyant queer male and occasional eccentric dresser. Going into the sixth grade I made a conscious effort to be more like a girl, though I was never able to embrace femininity beyond buying on pink skirt that wore only once and then threw away. More than once I was the only kid in the whole class who was not invited to birthday parties. I went to an informed consent clinic in and was immediately given a prescription for very high doses of testosterone, administered via injection. Beginning and after 1 year. It is shocking that in as little as two years I was able to develop such a noticeable bald spot. The sexual abuse only stopped when I altered my body to pass as male in my late teens. Finally back to where I started a year ago. I had crushes on both boys and girls. Tumblr was a big part of that: Just in the past 3 months I have gone to several bars, both LGBT and straight and experimented with different drinks. I had to drop the Spiro back down to mg, then I tried mg, and then back to mg. I used to get mistaken for someone much younger than my age and now I get mistaken for someone much older than my age. Even after I realized that I was not a man, I seriously considered continuing to identify as one simply so I could continue to benefit from male privilege as horrible as that sounds. Other than that, I had a typical FTM childhood: I never had any serious doubts about my identity— just my passability. Though, most of the time not. People used the term butch to describe me when they were insulting me. Within four months of starting testosterone, I had undergone a double mastectomy and legally changed my name and gender. Suddenly, the sort of popular girls who had scorned me in high school for looking butch wanted to be my friend. My mother shared with me that hers were also smaller before having children, so perhaps this is just the size they are going to be. I have been saving money for my name change. I now have enough to file the court papers, but still not enough to put the ad in the paper for a month.
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